What does a no feel like in your body?
For a long time I wasn’t sure what it felt like. I knew intellectually when I didn’t really feel like doing something, but there were a lot of instances when I couldn’t really make a distinction between what I wanted to do and what others wanted me to do. I would ask for excessive outside input for big decisions, make long lists of pros and cons, and fret about whether I would regret my choices, no matter which I chose. I was completely unaware of what my internal no felt like.
After working with horses for a few years I became more aware of what my internal feels process was doing when a horse would get uncomfortable. If I were quiet and attentive enough, I could feel a no forming. Not just a “not right now” or a “maybe if you presented it differently.” The horse was standing still, munching on hay, and still giving me a “No!” They were just on the edge of leaving. If I ignored it and started moving towards them, they quickly left. Identifying that tipping point and how it felt in my body allowed me to gauge whether or not I could catch a horse, touch them, or brush and blanket them in the field. It was very valuable to know the tipping point.
The horses’ “no” helped me get quiet enough to identify my own “no’s.” When I was presented with a decision and got quiet and attentive to my internal environment, I would feel an internal cringing, a tension in the chest, a small desire to run. Discomfort, more than anything. Some people may have louder internal “no’s,” but mine was small and quiet. It took effort to detangle my desires to please other people and find the “no” firmly planted in the center of it, like a burr stuck in the middle of a tangled mane. Invisible, until I looked for it.
Now I look for my “no” fairly often. If something doesn’t feel quite right I start searching. Sure enough, I find that little burr and examine it closely. Sometimes I decide to drop it to the ground, because it isn’t how I want to be at that moment. More often, though, I hold it up and declare that it’s important. My “no” matters to me now, and my life has been a lot better since the horses taught me how to search for it.
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Maeve Birch Home 